


Before and After

by XioNin



Series: The In-Between (Sesong 4) [6]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, a little speculation, s4, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 04:16:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10914159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XioNin/pseuds/XioNin
Summary: Even's thoughts before and after the karaoke party.





	1. Before

Even doesn’t deserve this, this delicate, perfect bloom of life with Isak. He’s broken, damaged, and if Isak knew just how much – just how truly, madly, deeply ruined Even was – he would run. Screaming.

But he’s here. Screaming Even’s name in pleasure. Again.

Fuck, he’s everything.

They’re sweaty, sticky even, and Even loves the tactile feel of his boyfriend’s skin plastered against his own. Glued together, mind, body, heart, and soul. Everything he’s ever wanted, and a few things he hadn’t known to want.

“I fucking love you.”

Even smiles down at his sex-drunk Isak, hoping it reaches his eyes. Leans over and licks into his mouth, often the quickest way to chase off his demons.

It pisses him off that these thoughts, the ones that pull him down into the well of his insecurities, hit him hardest right after they’ve had sex.

Makes sense, he supposes. He never feels any more raw, any more exposed, than after Isak has given all of himself and taken everything in return.

Well, not everything.

There are crumbs, still. Pieces that Even hasn’t shared with the man who owns his heart. It’s not fair, and he knows it. Knows it all too well, but he’s just so damned happy. So in awe of the life he has now, so different than only a year ago.

Stroking the pad of his thumb over Isak’s kiss-swollen mouth, Even hums with contentment. He just wants to hold on a little longer, but the questions have been coming faster now. Curiosity and concern creeping into the edges of their honeymoon phase.

Isak, so patient and understanding, is losing the battle with both. As he should. He deserves to know everything, and Even deserves the consequences of telling him. The inevitable horror. The inevitable loss. He deserves it, but he can’t bring himself to face it just yet.

If he could just keep Isak smiling, keep him happy and satisfied, maybe he can put it off for another year. Or ten. It’s not like his two worlds would ever collide. He’s been thoroughly ostracized by one, and thoroughly embraced by the other. Oil and water just don’t mix, and that suits Even just fine.

Denial is a powerful drug.

His only real regret, other than keeping secrets from Isak, is Sana’s role in it all.

Even likes her.  
He’s always liked her, and he feels like a shitheel for keeping her in the middle. For forcing her to lie to her friends for him.

Okay, not forcing her. No one could force Sana to do anything, but he knows she feels responsible for him, for a piece of his well-being. It’s just…who she is. The one who cares.

Yeah, Even likes her. A lot. Loves her, even. But she represents a time in his life he would much rather forget, memories he’d happily repress for the rest of his life. If only he could. Not only for his own peace of mind but for Isak’s.

Isak who curls into him, sleepy and sated and loving and so full of trust. God.

“I love you too, baby.” Even gathers him close, holds him a little too tightly, but Isak doesn’t complain. He buries his face in Even’s neck and breathes with him.

Even wants this. Just this. Nothing more.

And he wonders how long he’ll be allowed to have it before karma catches up with him.  
Before his day of reckoning.

“Quick nap before Sana’s party?” Isak murmurs into his skin.

Even nods. “Sounds perfect.”

 


	2. After

Isak doesn’t deserve this.

No matter who said what, or who curled their fists first, Isak is in pain. The blood…Even will never stop seeing the blood. He died a little inside, knowing he was the cause of it. It pools in bruises under Isak’s beautiful, moss-green eyes.

Isak doesn’t deserve this, and Even knows he doesn’t deserve Isak.

But fuck it.

He’s going to fight for him. Because the mere thought of losing him is like a dagger to the heart.

Fear is the enemy. It’s the fire burning the world down around him. It’s Even’s own fear wielding the sword that dangles over his tender neck. He brought this on himself, and only he can make things right. He starts by caring for Isak.

They’d kept him overnight for observation, but now Even has him at home. Their home. He’d wrapped him in a blanket and set him on their couch in front of the TV, with a warm mug of cocoa and the remote, while he changed the sheets on the bed, wanting everything to be fresh and clean for him.

When he returns to the living room, the cocoa remains untouched. The TV is still off.

Even can barely bring himself to look Isak in the eyes. Not only because of the shame, the guilt he feels, but because of the bruising. It’s horrific. Even knows it looks worse than it is, but…fuck. His Issy is hurt. Because of him.

“Stop,” Isak says, sounding congested. There’s swelling in his nose as well. “This wasn’t your fault.”

Even huffs out a bitter laugh. “Of course it was.”

“Evi…”

“Isak.” Even exhales, sitting on the coffee table across from Isak and taking his hands. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“How about at the beginning? I hear that’s a good place.” He tries to smile, winces, closes his eyes.

“Need some water?”

Isak shakes his head. “I just need you.”

To Even’s surprise, a tear slips from Isak’s eye and runs down his cheek. Purple, yellow and blue mar his normally sun-kissed complexion.

He squeezes Isak’s hands.

“Please don’t cry,” Even pleads, on the verge of tears himself. Angry ones.

Isak opens his bloodshot eyes and stares into him. “What did they do to you? What did you do to them? What _happened_ , Even? Why…why haven’t you told me? Is it so bad that you…are you afraid I’ll…”

Even has to look away for a second. His heart is breaking already, and he doesn’t even know how to do this. But…it’s time. It’s just time.

So, he inhales deeply, lets it out slowly, and faces the only person he’s ever truly needed. More than light. More than air.

“Okay, baby.” He nods. “Okay. But…please…understand that I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you, and I’ll probably always love you.”

A small smile curves Isak’s mottled mouth. “I know. Me too.”

On impulse, Even lifts Isak’s hands to his lips and kisses each, gathering strength. He lowers them to his lap and meets Isak’s eyes again.

Now or never.

Inhale. Exhale.

Blue eyes meet green.

“Once upon a time, there was a boy…a very confused boy…”


End file.
